(Zach sits on crate and lights up a joint.)
ZOEY (offstage)
Zachary where are you? Are you up there? Everyone's waiting!
Come on. Don't go all dramatic on me. God it's so dusty up here.
(Zoey climbs up through a hole in the stage wearing a wedding dress, coughing, out of breath, smiling sweetly. Then in shock.)
ZOEY (Continued.)
Oh my god, are you doing pot?
ZACHARY
Doing pot?
(Throughout these exchanges they race around like children.)
ZOEY
Give it to me! How could you? Your sobriety! My wedding!
ZACHARY
Is that what today is?
ZOEY
Give it to me. You don't want to do this, truly. It's not too late.
(She ends up in his clutches, happily so.)
ZACHARY
FYI dear sister, "Sobriety" is for alcoholics. "Clean" is for drug addicts. I just lost my
cleanliness.
ZOEY
You are filthy!
ZACHARY
You're beautiful.
ZOEY
Stop! Clean. Sober. If you ask me, it's all the same thing. You lost it.
ZACHARY
What else is significant about this day?
ZOEY
Aside from disappointing and betraying me?
ZACHARY
Me? Betray you?
ZOEY
Us getting sober together was the absolute best thing we ever did. Our pact. How could
you throw it all away? Why?
(He tosses her aside.)
ZACHARY
You're one to talk. Throwing things away seems to be your specialty of late.
ZOEY
God, I knew you'd pull something. I didn't know what, but something.
ZACHARY
And away goes trouble -
ZOEY
I flew across the country to be here-
ZACHARY
Down the drain.
ZOEY
- Fifty people are out in the backyard. A band! Caterers -
ZACHARY
Let them eat cake!
ZOEY
It's my wedding day and everyone's waiting for you.
ZACHARY
Wait, did you ask me: am I "doing pot?" That is the cutest thing I've ever heard. How
does someone do pot?
ZOEY
Shut up. You know what I meant – you know what I meant -
(She finds a hidden bottle of liquor.)
ZACHARY
Oops.
So yeah, sobriety too. Fuck it! Fuck it all!
ZOEY
You want to ruin your life – up to you. (Touches her dress.) I've moved on.
ZACHARY
Let me see you.
(Zoey twirls proudly around for him. Zachary is mesmerized.)
ZACHARY (Continued.)
Ah, you do look beautiful. You are so beautiful.
ZOEY
Thank you.
ZACHARY
I missed you soooo much. Two years Zoey. Two years. You stayed away too long.
ZOEY
Don't. Please. Don't.
(Zachary conveniently 'finds' a blindfold and puts it on her. Pin the tail on the donkey, a game they used to love to play.)
ZACHARY
Look! Look! Still here! Let's play!
Come on, you know you want to – you know you've missed it, missed us badly.
(He spins her around. She removes blindfold.)
ZOEY
Like I said, I've moved on. I've changed. In so many, many ways.
ZACHARY
Seriously?
ZOEY
Yeah. Totally seriously. Zach listen: No sugar! No smoking! No stealing! I even stopped
cursing. Oh, and did I mention I'm getting married today?
ZACHARY
Such an angel.
ZOEY
Come out of this tree house and join me downstairs at my wedding. Come with me Zach.
Please. Please. Please.
I just wanted this to be easy.
ZACHARY
Did you? Did you really?
ZOEY
Do you have to be the center of attention, ALWAYS? Hey, everyone look at me!
ZACHARY
You set this whole 'scenario' up. You requested me. Now why would you do that?
ZOEY
(Innocently)
Do what?
(Takes her and walks arm in arm.)
ZACHARY
Walk down the aisle with you. To give you away. As if that were possible.
ZOEY
Dad's dead. You're my brother. That's why.
ZACHARY
Liar.
ZOEY
Shut up.
(Pause)
ZOEY (Continued.)
It's symbolic.
ZACHARY
It's mean.
ZOEY
You can see it anyway you want to see it.
ZACHARY/ZOEY
Free world.
ZACHARY
Your symbolic plan – it won't work.
ZOEY
It has to. Please. I don't want to be fucking tied to – Oh! Shit. See what you made me do.
I'm cursing. This is what happens when I'm with you; I regress.
ZACHARY
You look lovely when you regress. Here. You're fave.
(Hands her a carame. She can't resist.)
ZOEY
We regress. We can't ever be in the same state together, let alone room. And certainly not in the tree house. Never again.
ZACHARY
Yet here we are.
ZOEY
(Mouth full of chocolate.)
This was all a mistake. I shouldn't have –
ZACHARY
Actually it was genius. You've ended our separation. Come on, let's play.
ZOEY
It's like we're nine again – you haven't changed.
I. Have. Changed.
ZACHARY
I've changed –
ZOEY
Altering your mood isn't changing.
ZACHARY
Sure it is. Besides I'm not high. I'm as clear as a bell. How have I changed: let me count the ways: Since you abandoned me I've taken up yoga, swimming and I volunteer at the Museum of Natural History gift shop. And, I was saving this, but I had the barn out back torn down and built you a painting studio.
ZOEY
(Touched.)
You did?
ZACHARY
And, I cleared the paths in the fields so if you wanted to start riding again, you could. The
flower and vegetable gardens are all waiting for your green thumb.
ZOEY
You can't lure me back. Let's stay in the present: Hey, what 24 year-old man has never
had a girlfriend and hasn't lived anywhere else but the house he grew up in?
ZACHARY
Hey, what 21 year-old woman drops out of college, these days, full scholarship to get
married?
ZOEY
Me.
ZACHARY
You had everything going for you. I made sure you had everything! I gave you
everything you could ever want. We were going to go to –
ZOEY
Stop.
ZACHARY
We'd been planning it – I had it all planned and then you left me!
ZOEY
Things were getting too –between us – I –
ZACHARY
I wake up and find a note on my pillow? A note? Are you fucking kidding me? You
phone me from California? What did you want me to think?
ZOEY
I needed to – I needed some headspace – I couldn't think straight.
ZACHARY
You hurt me. You really hurt me. I can do anything I want to do.
ZOEY/ZACHARY
Free world.
ZACHARY
You can run all you want, that's true.
ZOEY
I love him.
ZACHARY
Jack? A four-hundred-pound manager at Au Bon Pain?
ZOEY
He's . . . sweet.
ZACHARY
He's twice your age. From what I can tell, he's mildly retarded, he smells like Crisco.
You have nothing in common! Talk about someone ruining their life? Well, I'm not going to stand by and let it happen to you.
Your summoning me here was your way of telling me you need me to save you.
ZOEY
Stop saying that! I didn't summon you.
Jack loves me.
ZACHARY
Does he know you write poetry? Does he know you whistle in your sleep, or that the
color orange makes you nauseous, that you sprinkle salt no your Lucky Charms each morning? Does he know you went to Rome with me? Does he even know where Rome is?
Didn't think so.
He doesn't know who you are.
ZOEY
Who the fuck cares who I am! God! Shit, I mean, who the F. cares. I mean who cares.
ZACHARY
I do, Zoey. I care very deeply.
ZOEY
Well, I don't love you -
ZACHARY
You like to hurt my feelings. That's okay. I know you don't mean it.
ZOEY
I do. I do. I mean it.
ZACHARY
Fine you mean it. Come on Zoey.
(Sings and strokes her hair.)
Row row row your Zoey, gently down the stream, Rowy Zoey Rowy ZoeyZOEY/ZACHARY
Life is but a dream.
(He tickles her. They roll on the floor laughing.)
ZACHARY
Rowy Zoey, Be real. You're life is here, in New York, with me.
ZOEY
I have a job!
ZACHARY
Nannying to rich assholes in Venice beach. Seriously?
ZOEY
I love my work.
ZACHARY
You're a whore.
ZOEY
You're a monster.
ZACHARY
You're a dragon.
ZOEY
You're a centaur!
ZACHARY
You're my centaur of attention! You're my muse.
ZOEY
I am not. I'm nothing. I don't know who I am. I'm so confused.
ZACHARY
You've been away too long. Your monster will straighten you out. You're monster
misses his muse. You miss me too.
ZOEY
Yes.
ZACHARY
Come back little muse. Mom's in West Palm Beach and Europe most of the year. We'll
have the house to ourselves. It'll be like old times.
ZOEY
No. Never. Never. I have to be strong. I live in California now. I'm marrying Jake, I
mean Jack. I don't eat sugar, I don't steal, I don't lie, and I stopped cursing.
ZACHARY
Let's get this straight: You're not marrying Jake. You stole my heart. You ate a truffle.
You lied about why you came back and you're cursing like a sailor.
ZOEY
Ugh! AND I'm going to live happily ever after.
ZACHARY
No matter how far you go. You can't ever leave me.
ZOEY
I did.
ZACHARY
You're talking miles. I'm talking us.
ZOEY
There is no us anymore. I've done a lot of work on myself. I've changed.
I've been seeing a therapist.
ZACHARY
People like us – we don't change. We don't need to change because everything between
us – is perfect.
ZOEY
Zach, no! It's not – I can't – I just can't come back!
ZACHARY
My fair maiden. You doth protest too much.
ZOEY
Why did you have to come up here? How could you?
It's wrong. It's all so wrong.
ZACHARY
It's symbolic. This tree house is a symbol of our love – where we began – while the
entire world raged on – we were here, loving each other. We need to celebrate that. Here.
ZOEY
A Cameo! I haven't seen one of these since -
ZACHARY
I had it made for you. Look, there's your profile. It's you.
ZOEY
And yours too! Zach, you can't have two people's profile on a cameo!
ZACHARY
Sure you can. Call it a TWO – EO. There couldn't be a you thee without a 'me' right next
to you – a me without a you. Together we're one. We're inseparable. Till death do us part.
ZOEY
God. I'm so confused.
ZACHARY
Just relax.
(Zachary undoes her wedding dress. They lie down together.)
ZACHARY
You didn't um.... with the Au Bon Pain Hindenburg Guy? Did you?
ZOEY
No. I couldn't. I thought I could. I told him I would. I wished I could. But I couldn't.
ZACHARY
I saved myself for you too. Don't run away again. We don't have to get married.
ZOEY
Are you fucking crazy?
ZACHARY
Crazy in love with you. I'm so happy your staying.
ZOEY
Fuck it.
Dammit! Go!
Fucking go get me a drink.
ZACHARY
Your command is my wish!
(As he gets the bottle of liquor Zoey sits in desperation, eating a caramel.)
ZOEY
Free world.
Black out.
